Adapt and survive

"I was able to explore my own self and identity"

Last three months I have been playing this game, where its important for growing and going forward to have some sort of community or friends or allies to play with. 
At first the game really gave me lot of energy and it was like breath of fresh air for me to be able to do something else, than just survive in my daily life. I was able to be effective in what I do, and accepted as a member of online community. What is difficult, is of course to find out, what mindset each of player is actually having, because for some people its purely fun and games, and other people are seeking for deeper connections and like anywhere , some people might not have good intentions in the first place. 
I wasnt thinking this too much, since I tend to be overly naive and forget that people can be so different.
Luckily I havent actually faced any major hardships within the community I play, but since those people were so supportive and some of them has become really close to me, I was able to explore my own self and identity withing. Try new things, get inspired of the players , themes, and kinda like just be my bubbly flowery self and shine here and there. 

"it is not so easy to know how much Im able to handle."

After playing the game for month and half, I started to get quite tired, even though I enjoyed it and I have found really good and genuine people from that place. Shining part of me is the one, that is enjoying of peoples success, even nowadays my own success too, and I get easily happy about very little things in life. Butterflies and smiles, my kings choice sunshines  <3
But there is also part of me that is still hurting and is lurking in the darkness. That side of me, that same time I really want to discover and be able to understand it and also run far away from it as possible. 
What made me become tired was me joining to new community, without thinking too much, and realising, that I wasnt always so sure, what is the right balance to be in the game. How much I should give of myself there and still enjoy it myself. Also since I have had lot of strugges in my life in general, I do get tired more often than others, it is not so easy to know how much Im able to handle.

"I started to have these emotional outbursts"

For my own surprise, I started to have these emotional outbursts, mainly within my own head, during the time of being part of this community. I started to have these past feelings coming strongly to my present moment, and I was reliving certain events that has happened me long time ago, but seems, that I never actually dealt them emotionally. Not sure which was the biggest reason for this to happen, since I have had quite a few changes happening during last few months, but one of the factors that enabled me to kind of safe way to face these transferred feelings was this game community, that i felt and I still feel safe to be inside. Only few of them actually knows what Im dealing with, since I didnt mean to make this place my therapy tool, nor those friends to be my support group, unless they of course want that. 
But I have irl friends who knows vaguely my situation, and I do have own therapist and other support.

"Its really important for me to have enough rest"

I enjoy the game, but I know that people, and certain events and discussion can trigger me, and also if I give too much of myself without taking rest, is also risking me to be easier triggered by something. 
Mainly my daily life is not too weary, I enjoy my days and I have been taking care of my own well being. Its really important for me to have enough rest and remember to eat so I don't go overboard with the emotions. I unfortunately have needed sometimes to take break/distance from certain events, situations or people, since those were triggering me too much, even though it might mean I will lose something in a process. This is the most hardest part for me, since I tend to never exlude people from my life, unless they are openly hurting me. Now Im doing it, because of those triggers me , and It makes me too tired. I hope eventually it will be easier.

"It is both rewarding and painful". 

I have never before been able to be in touch with those inner darknesses, that keeps coming when Im triggered of certain situations. I have never even understood so much about myself and my behaviour than now. It is both rewarding and painful. I can see, how Im finding deep lies inside me, that needs to see the light to be able to be fixed, but the process is no fun at all. 

"I have myself been one of those, who has forsaken me"

One of the dark spots that I have recently found inside me, is that I have myself been one of those, who has forsaken me. I know I have many situations in my past, where some people has abandoned me intentionally or because of their own life issues, and I have got deeply build identity as a cast-off/ leftover persona. Since many of those happened while I was pretty young, that identity has grown as a part of my life, and I have myself unintentionally accepted that to be my part in this life. leftover. 
Someone who is option, not choice. Someone who is burden, not joy. Someone, who even giving everything from herself, is never chosen if there is even one other person than them. The last option.

 

"Adapt and survive."

Hear me out, I havent voluntarily accepted that that is my identity, nor that is my destiny, I guess, it is survival method, since it is extremely hard be against of many of those opinions or actions of others, and stand as a person and say "I will not accept this". And since I was so young when I faced my first rejections and I was not seen nor given proper support, probably the only option was to adapt. Adapt and survive. When the message around you is, that your place comes after others, or that someone leaves you even though they were saying they love you, or they should have taken care of you, you need to build some kind of way to survive. 

My survivor method was to accept, that my place is to serve others. My place is to accept whatever people was saying to me, or how little they took care of me. My place was to accept that identity of leftover, so that I could have even some little glimpse of love towards me. 
If in those certain situations and with certain people, I would have been able to (as a little girl!) be having boundaries and say " I dont accept this, I should have more than this, I am more valuable than this" Probably the outcome would have been even more louder rejection or perhaps it could have even helped me to get support ? who knows. But being surrounded with many people, who were unbalanced, irrational, overly emotional, needy and ill, My personality adapted and didnt fight for my rights.
I know, some people in exact same position has taken the opposite way, not accepting anything ever, and their problems are then probably different- those people might have the same issues than I do, but they would openly fight everyone everytime but I got passive, I adapted and I let others walk over me.

"I am actually in really good situation where I have finally understood my value"

I have grown a lot last 13 or something years, and I am not anymore that person who accept anything from anyone. I am actually in really good situation where I have finally understood my value as a person, and that how I am equal with others, and I dont let others walk over me, at least same way I used to. I value myself and my eyes have opened to understand how amazing person I actually am. No better than others still, we all are imperfect, but I do know I have lot of good in me.

I need to learn, whom I let to be within my inner circle, who are also seeing the same in me. Those people are now extremely important in my life who are supporting that I am going to perhaps change. I might not be always the kind and nice and going everywhere doing everything one. Those people who accepts that healthy bounderies are part of the life, are my people. And I dont need to give my 130 % when I get back only 10%  I need to learn to give less, and get more. Find the balance with the people in my life, and accept, that in this road of taking care of myself, not everyone will walk with me. I though keep loving everyone from the distance.  I also need to be gentle to myself, keep speaking to me how valuable I am, and how I need to step by step adjust my inner being to accept that true identity of chosen, not forsaken. 

"I am processing lof of sadness"

But even though I do accept my value and I am building my life towards healthier tomorrow, I am processing lof of sadness. I am sad because of those who has hurt me, but also because of I myself have accepted that hurt to define me as a human being, and adapted to accept lesser role than others. I am sad, because of how many times I have put myself up there and given too much of myself, since that is the mindset inside me telling me to do. I am extremely sad of the fact how inside me there is still part of that lie, pushing through and trying to make me doubt my current situation, and making me fall to old patterns, where i needed to beg for attention or just passively accept I am not worthy of any kind of attention or affection.

I need to process the hurt and the pain and let it all come out and after each time, I have eventually felt better, since in those moments i am not anymore accepting and adapting, I am rejecting and evolving. I am rejecting the false identity as a leftover, forgiving others who has been part of making that identity in me, I am forgiving myself of adapting and living in it for so many years. And then Im able to evolve and to bloom <3

I wrote this today, while I had really emotional day of feeling extremely hurt and abandoned:

'I am chosen by Highest kingdom, 
I have access this divine wisdom:
"My value comes from the Royal nation,
I am part of the Holy creation"
This is the eternal declaration '  

 

 What comes to this gaming world, I still see huge opportunity to myself to grow there as a person. Since I truly enjoy being in the community, I hope I am able to be there, and be accepted even though sometimes I might myself give only 10%, and someday I am able to give that 50%.  I although try not to give my 130 percent there, even I sometimes feel tempted to do so, since those times will only make me tired. 

xoxo - 🌸 Cherry 🌸