Why I shine?
I was sitting on a bench outside, sweating and gasping my breath. I felt invisible pressure holding my whole body still. I looked calm and relaxed, but inside me there were only terror and fear. I had a sensation of being same time inside my body, but also not fully there- like some part of my mind was wandering outside of me. My vision was narrowed, my mouth was dry and my heart was racing. In my thoughts knew I needed to start walking and go home to rest ,but my body couldn't take instructions from my mind,I was totally frozen and unable to move anywhere. I was having panic attack triggered by trauma. (this happend 8 years ago)
When most likely the cause of the panic attack is some past trauma, the symptoms are quite like I described above. That although happened me 8 years ago, so i have been able to find ways to cope the situations much better, and I have been able to set my mind to go home and rest. At that time, 8 years ago, I remember this stronger panic attack was where I recognized perhaps first times that I was transferring past emotions to this day, and some situation triggered them to come to overtake my mind and body. It was something different and terrifying, and it literally froze my whole being for hour or more. I had someone, whom I was able to send message, who had understanding of what i was going through, and they came to take me home, and I was able to rest.
Today, I can say Im happier than I have ever been for perhaps all my life. I have had lots of happy moments and precious memories in my past, but those has been glimpses of hope and they always faded away after time. My personality is quite optimistic looking and I tend to bring joy and happiness where I go, at least that some people has said to me.
Even being some sort of introvert, I do love being with my loved ones, and I enjoy meeting new people and learn about how other people think and who they are and what are their dreams and hopes, fears and doupts.
Usually in surface level, and even more intimate level of knowing me, I look happy or at least hopeful. I think in some level I am happy and hopeful, even when I have been facing awful situations, but it doesnt mean I would always be like that. I just tend to choose the hope and the bright side and focus on finding the blessing out of chaos, maybe not during it , but at least after it. But when Im going through something, that is overtaking me, I can be somewhere where light never shines. Darkest moments of my life, where nothing is seen, no hope, no light no tomorrow, are also part of my story, quite important part since, how one can go through the darkness and come back to light?
The shine that I do have in me, doesnt come from the circumstances, and even in the darkest hour, There is still light, even I wouldnt see it.
At the moment, in my life, I have given also circumstances that are carrying me. I have always had One that carries me all the time, and light that shines through me, and gives me hope, and now I also have been blessed of that kind of stable chapter, that gives me so much happines and peace.
I struggled for many years with health care,
I struggled with bureaucracy, and being in situations where I needed to think do I buy meds or food, how do I even survive? There has been some people related difficult situations, where I needed to learn to set limits and take care of myself, and I have been in hospital few times in my adulthood, due to pain and unable to move, and not finding the reasons behind.
8 weeks ago I got news, that I think Im still processing and not even understand what does it mean.
I was granted permanent disability pension enabling me finally to actually take care of myself. It means, I do not have to give some doctors statements of my current health, mental and physical, every three months, like now I have had to do it. And sometimes they have denied the financial support, so there comes that bureaucracy battle. It have survived past years and more, not really lived.
I feel like I have won in lottery, since this is first time in my life, that I have given permission from outside- from the "system" that I can and I should focus on my health, my well-being and heck, I can even do some fun stuff, without thinking that ugh, I need to just fight against the system and struggle all the time.
Other things I have at the moment that gives me joy and happiness: I have amazing friends, I have support people, I go to therapy and I have one support person coming to my home helping me weekly to get my own life together, and find a balance and routines after survivor life. I have lots of hobbies and suddenly my mind is getting all these new ideas after long time being in inspirational coma, and I just love going places an paint and draw and make music...
I also started in this new gaming platform, perhaps 4 weeks before I got the news from Kela (about the pension), and that place has become something very important in my life, and found some amazing people there. I have also found inspiration from that community and the game for many of my recent crazy creative ideas...
I have been some days over emotional, and Well, after this huge financial blessing its quite understandable. I do need my beauty sleeps time to time, and to gather my strenght and just rest after years of battling.
So yea, I have so much reasons to shine, and even when I wouldnt, I know I dont have to find the light inside me, it is given me as a gift.
-Cherry the merry berry 🍒
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