Face it or flee from it

I dont speak with names, nor I will tell any context, since the purpose of this text is not to expose anyone from my past, nor try to effect anyones thinking, who might have been there, when these events occured.
Purpose for this is to give this story from my point of view of situation, where I was that time, and hopefully help someone else some day to face similar situation, and break the stigma that someone might have when they were been lied or manipulated to. 

#Mentalhealthawaraness

 

I realized --I was being manipulated 

 When I realized I was speaking with someone whose words were deceiving and purposely misleading my first feeling was anger. I was really hurt because someone was intentionally twisting the truth which made me question my view of other people and possibly would break certain connections I had built. On that day I knew, I was being manipulated by someone, who I thought was friend of mine. And thinking they might have done the same to someone else i know, made me furious.

After the rage was less I felt extremely ashamed. Someone lured to my mind with lies that made my doubt my own opinions and thinking of some people or situations. The way how they were approaching me was really sneaky, since it came from the position of weakness and made themselves a victim in a scenario that never existed, or if it did, they surely weren't innocent ones. I myself also was emotionally and physically vulnerable due to my own processes, that I was dealing with, so if ever, that time was perfect to make me believe something that didn't happen.

Being ashamed still, I felt I was to blame for how they effected to my thinking. I was drawn to this inner circle of that persons life and shown affection that made me feel like we were actually becoming friends.  I believed them and their story without knowing it was partially illusion and included  fabricated details of their personal life and experiences.
I only know, that 'friend' made me to believe in them, and feel for them and that made me to want to pursue others to believe them as well. 

I trusted their words even over my own judgment. 

Luckily whatever I discussed with this person didn't have major effect on other people, or my relationship with them, since I dond't base my connections and friendships on feelings in the first place.
 I am also not a person who goes hurting other people, or have need to create drama or chaos, so mostly I didn't openly do anything different with others. I probably just trusted this person more, and wanted to help them to get more connections and friends. I felt sorry for them. But what probably was most humiliating  for me was, when inside me I believed their words without finding proof elsewhere, since they had earned my trust already earlier on , and they used that trust against me. I trusted their words even over my own judgment.

When I found out myself that I was being lied to, I did first what I knew I needed to be done; I apologized those whom this situation might have had an effect and admitted to them that I had given my trust to someone I shouldn't have. I was totally blind sighted of the fact that someone was able to get to me and I was oblivious of the truth. 

I could have of course approach the situation other ways too, but I usually don't with free will choose to put some mask on, and deny what has happened. I didn't have to admit that I believed someone been lying to me and that I believed their words over my opinion. But I dint want to hide the fact that I did believe, and it at least hurt me. It didnt feel good at all to realize you have had believed lies, and at least in your mind picture of some people and situation were changed at that time.

I had two options (face it or flee from it)

I could have caved and ignored the situation, I could have just say that this doesn't  have an effect on me, but I have never been good at consciously faking when it comes to real people.
So actually I  felt that I had only two options, one would've been to flee. Just isolate myself and withdrawn from the places and people that connected me to this manipulative person.
 And other option, which I chose that time ,knowing it will hurt temporarily more, was facing the facts and admit what has happened and then think how to go forward from that point forward. 

Love, care and forgive from distance. 

But even though I would have not been anymore influenced by them, nor I would have not wanted any kind of relationship with them anymore, it would be lie to say I wouldn't care. I did care, I still somewhat care of this person. But I had came long road to find love for myself at that point  in my life that I couldnt allow anyone to mistreat me such way. I knew I could care, I could bless and love anyone if I felt so, but I didnt need to allow people to be part of my life and have influence to me, if their intentions are malicious. I have always eventually chosen the path of  forgiveness, and I also have decided not to carry hatred and bitterness inside me. I knew I could have all this for them, Love, care and forgiveness.. but from distance. 

To be able to heal some darkness and sorrow is needed to come to light

Probably there are still days when I will be really tired if I remember and go through some especially negative feelings that can be connected to this particular person or other similar experiences in my past and I can momentarily be overwhelmed by the emotions. That needs to happen to go forward. To be able to heal some darkness and sorrow is needed to come to light.Some days I might just need to rest, and take care of myself, if I have been going through difficult feelings. I am still sometimes tempted to flee my feelings to some addictive behaviors, and if that happens I am not too harsh to myself, just trying to remind that way doesn't help me later on. Taking breaks from places that triggers me is needed time to time. Eventually after time these past events won't have so much power, even they would bring some sadness to me temporarily.

Usually only now afterwards I can see more what I have learnt out of those events that happened earlier, but Im pretty sure with my life experience , being in contact with some other manipulative people, I don't think I will change hugely as a person and how I approach people, since I am pretty open and silly and kind of open book in general. But Im already more cautious if similar situations or people will come to my sight. Of course I need to look myself too from mirror time to time- what are those areas in my life, that makes me vulnerable , and is there something I could work in myself too. 
Im  really glad genuine people exists and Im really blessed having many of those in my life. <3

This story I shared brought also good things to me when it happened. That time I was able to recognize my own growth as a person, and I saw how my self-worth was much higher than before, and I had certain strength to rebuke these behavior to have effect on how I see myself.
And even though conversations with that person might have been partially fake I still had for a moment someone who listened me and spoke to me, which I do appreciate. 
Also I was able to, partially because of this person, face some almost ancient feelings that was buried deep down. This happened long before I even found out truth about them. These past feelings were key to strengthen my friendship to someone else in my life, when the feelings were brought to light. I still call this last positive thing as a 'silver lining' in all what happened.

I still had lost someone 

It might sound weird and even I feel embarrassed to admit, I still miss them some way. I missed the person who became me what I needed most at that time or what i was perhaps lacking then. I did not miss the real person behind the illusion, since I never know them truly, only the image they were showing me. Tricky part is, when victim is enough vulnerable and maybe depending on this manipulative person too much, it might be very hard to cut ties, since sometimes us human beings will choose the illusion that gives false comfort instead of the grief of losing them, even though eventually the latter is only way to heal. 

I'm nowadays in the situation where  I dont need anymore to find out why/ who/ how long/with whom
 I know , even though this friendship was based on at least partially lies, I still had lost someone when the truth came out.  I still might need sometimes moments to just be alone and go through my thoughts and feelings. That was  for me exact same sorrow than if someone would have died, so it makes me sometimes really sad.

 
If anyone ever would be in similar scenario that I have now described- allow yourself to face all feelings that comes to your mind. I rather let myself to feel and admit that I have feelings than judge them if they feel too embarrassing and denying part of being a human. 

xoxo 🌸Cherry🌸